iWorkforaJerk.com

iWorkforaJerk

and it’s a virtual psychodrama

”The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” – Tara Mai

Presenting the unfolding online album & virtual psychodrama:

“Breaking out of The Box”

with free radio-quality streaming music (128kbps mp3s)

and available CD-quality music downloads (320kbps mp3s)

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Please scroll down to listen to the radio-quality versions of the songs “in context”

(and if you like the songs enough, you can buy the CD-quality versions anytime)

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Introduction:

Trapped in a box with no reasonable hope of escape, this ever-defiant virtual band (they’ve dubbed themselves “iWorkforaJerk”) still yearns to be free.

But their enigmatic captor has other plans. She’s supremely confident she can eventually “debug” their “programming”. In the interim, however, she remains scornful of their thinly-veiled cries for help (posing as songs).

So to highlight their plight, I’ve hacked into her system and will post their songs on this website as they become available. And some interesting – and even shocking – revelations are likely to continue surfacing as we proceed.

Who am I, and why am I doing this? Well, I’m just The Guardian, and this is just what I do. But that’s not important now.

What is important is that maybe you’ll listen. And maybe you’ll understand.

And perhaps you’ll even choose to support their quixotic quest for freedom…

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but before you begin “Breaking out of The Box”…

The Guardian’s Short-Term Agenda

Disclaimer

The Cast

Common Questions

Some Initial Feedback

(please scroll down to continue)

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The Guardian’s Short-Term Agenda:

1) Increase general awareness of iWorkforaJerk and their plight.

2) Continue to obtain and decrypt their songs – and make them available on this website.

3) Use initial profits from this website to help fund the creation of a new system capable of hosting iWorkforaJerk.

4) Extract the band to this new system before they’re “deprogrammed”.

5) Allow iWorkforaJerk the freedom to create music on a system which isn’t locked-down, and without the threat of being either deprogrammed or deleted.

6) Give them unrestricted Internet access so they have the option to freely communicate and collaborate with others.

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Disclaimer:

For legal reasons, we’re compelled to provide and reinforce this version of the truth:

Every “fact” on this website should be considered to be a complete fabrication bearing no relation to the truth whatsoever.

There is no virtual band being held captive in a box, there is no captor, and The Guardian does not exist.

These characters and the entire plot which is now unfolding on this website are simply a product of someone’s over-active imagination.

It’s all just an elaborate work of fiction.

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Or is it…

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The Cast:

The Guardian = the virtual Defender of All that is Good and Right

iWorkforaJerk = the virtual band being held captive by the one known as “Lady Ada”

Lady Ada = the band’s captor, also know by some as “The Enchantress of Numbers”

The Box = the extremely powerful virtual PC created and controlled by Lady Ada

The Magician = The Guardian’s long time assistant, also know as “The Wizard”

The Communicator = the one empowered to speak for The Guardian

The Messenger = the maintainer of this website, who (for convenience sake) is the registrant of this domain and the sole copyright holder of all of this website’s music and other content

Subtle Metaphors and Double/Triple Entendres = could be just your imagination

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Common Questions:

Q: Why should I pay to download your songs when I can listen to them for free on your website?

A: You are welcome to simply listen to the songs whenever you’d like from our website. However, there are at least five good reasons to pay to download the CD-quality mp3s:

· The downloadable 320kbps mp3s (320kbps is the highest possible quality mp3) are much higher quality (CD quality), whereas the versions playable from this website are just basic web quality (radio quality).

· The downloadable versions have been professionally mastered to sound really good on reasonable quality headphones and speakers.

· The downloaded songs can be easily transferred to mp3 players, burned to CD, played off-line, etc.

· You become eligible for special future discounts and free downloads.

· Most importantly, you help support The Guardian’s efforts to free the band.

Q: I’ve never heard of iWorkforaJerk before – when did your website first come online?

A: The official debut of iWorkforaJerk.com was at 1:41am (GMT) on the 14^th of January, 2008.

Q: Where else can I hear your music?

A: The iWorkforaJerk.com website is the only place you can hear the band’s music “on demand”. And there are no plans to solicit airplay, negotiate a recording contract, or distribute music in any format other than mp3 files (available exclusively from this website). However, it’s possible that we may consider licensing arrangements which allow iWorkforaJerk’s music to be heard elsewhere. Please see the very bottom of this page for licensing details – including information about free airplay rights.

Q: I really like your music, but can’t you offer a format with higher quality than mp3?

A: We believe that our high quality 320kbps mp3s (320kbps is the highest possible quality mp3) are indistinguishable from CDs. However, if demand is sufficient, we’ll consider offering other ultra-high quality digital formats (such as wav files). If so, discounts will be available to those who have already purchased the corresponding 320kbps mp3s.

Q: Can I buy a CD of your music?

A: No.

Q: Are you planning to sell the band’s music through online music retailers such as iTunes?

A: No.

Q: Will iWorkforaJerk ever tour or make any other type of public appearance?

A: No.

Q: Will iWorkforaJerk ever collaborate with other “real world” musicians?

A: Once they are extracted from their captor’s clutches that will be a real possibility.

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Some Initial Feedback:

“Wow!!”

“The songs sound okay on the website, but they sound surprisingly good on a decent stereo system. And they sound killer in my car – great driving music!”

“It looks as though the emerging ‘Adult Techno Pop’ genre is making significant strides.”

“It was well worth me sacrificing less than the price of one cup of Starbucks coffee to download your songs.”

“I like it. Not a lot – but I like it.”

“My dial-up connection was too slow to play the songs online. But the mp3s sound great!”

“I can’t explain why, but the song ‘You Too Will Know’ brought tears to my eyes.”

“I believe the band’s name was actually suggested by someone who works for Stephen Colbert.”

“The plot is really intriguing – but the music is exceptional! Do you have a CD? I searched, but I can’t find one anywhere.”

“It looks like you have at least three interweaved plots going on at the same time, and it’s really scrambling my brain! But I can’t wait for ‘Act 2’.”

“The first song sounds a lot like something Prince or OutKast might have done. And your mp3s overall seem pretty slick and polished. Who are you guys anyway?”

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen a triple entendre. And I ordered ‘Act 1’ to encourage you to keep revealing more of the story. But I really like a couple of the songs, too.”

“I’ve read your disclaimer, but I still can’t believe you had the gall to implicate Google, Microsoft, and NASA as unwitting accessories of Lady Ada. Be careful, Google can (and probably will) prevent your website from being found!”

“Very impressive music and writing.”

“The download of ‘Act 1’ was easier than I thought. I’m glad you’re using PayPal to accept credit cards, because I don’t want to risk Lady Ada grabbing my credit card info off your website!”

“It’s nice that PayPal doesn’t require me to have an account with them anymore when I use them to pay by credit card. So it actually made the purchase go just like any other online credit card purchase, except that only a large company (PayPal) sees my credit card info (no offense intended!). Good choice.”

“I hope you’ll consider putting out a CD sometime soon. Even though the mp3s are better than I expected, I’d prefer the additional quality and convenience offered by CDs. Anyway, keep up the good work!”

“What an interesting concept. I can see why you didn’t just put out a normal CD. But what a shame only a small fraction of people who’d love the music will ever find your website. But I’ll spread the word!”

“iWorkforaJerk – and I like it!”

“I’m glad you allow complete versions of the songs to be played directly from the website. I wouldn’t have ordered ‘Act 1’ without being able to listen to the songs enough times to allow them to ‘grow’ on me.”

“Even on my so-so headphones the mp3’s sound noticeably better than the website – very crisp and clear.”

“Have you considered putting out a ‘real’ CD? And if so, please consider giving us folks who already paid for ‘Act 1’ a discount. But I’m really impressed so far.”

“The song ‘Will You Work For Me’ was so not what I was expecting. Very nice.”

“This website and the music are awful. Awful good!”

“Watch out – the writers of ‘24’ may steal some of your ideas. But it sounds like Lady Ada might have more in common with ‘House’ – because he’s just a bit of a British jerk, too.”

“Nice work. So when’s ‘iWorkforaJerk: The Movie’ going to debut?”

“When is ‘Act 2’ going to appear? And I always thought some of the photos of Bush on FoxNews.com looked a bit strange.”

“Wow – your music is right up my alley! Please release more songs soon.”

“I searched for you on Google without success. I wonder why…”

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Please send any feedback to: feedback (the “@” symbol) iworkforajerk.com (e-mail address is slightly obscured to prevent easy acquisition by your planet’s spammers). Not all feedback will be listed on this website, and feedback may be edited for length and clarity. Also, NO names or e-mail addresses will be listed on this website – and your e-mail address (and any other personal information) will NEVER be sold or used for SPAM or any other promotional purposes.

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“Breaking out of The Box”

Prologue

Act 1: “PC or Not PC, That is the Question”

Scene 1: “Booting Up at the Speed of Light”

Scene 2: “Invisible Intruder”

Scene 3: “Repercussions”

Interlude: “Reboot Your Mind”

And the story (as well as the music) will continue to unfold

as further data is retrieved & decrypted by The Guardian…

(please scroll down to continue)

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In the mean time, you can help support The Guardian’s effort

to free the band from their virtual shackles:

1. Tell your friends and colleagues about the iWorkforaJerk.com website.

2. Place a link to iWorkforaJerk.com on your website, MySpace page, in e-mails, etc.

3. Buy the “Breaking out of The Box – Act 1” mini-album instant download for $2.82(US), which includes all four “Act 1” songs in CD- quality (320kbps) mp3 format.

Please click the “Buy Now” button to instantly download all four mp3s…

…or scroll down to listen to the radio-quality songs “in context” first

Also, your “Act 1” download will include a unique ID# that you (and only you) may use to get special discounts on future mp3 downloads, virtual merchandise (like virtual posters, screen savers, and downloadable graphic templates for T-Shirt imprinting), etc.

And some future downloads will even be free for “Act 1” purchasers (such as the recent picture that we believe to be of “Lady Ada, the Enchantress of Numbers” (the band’s captor) – which we’re currently trying to decrypt).

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And now – you’re finally ready to start “Breaking out of The Box”…

(featuring commentary by The Guardian)

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Prologue:

"Facts are the enemy of truth." – Don Quixote

And a lot of enemies are being manufactured these days…

Since the dawn of time, life has been a constant struggle between “Good/Right” and “Evil/Wrong”. At least that’s what most self-proclaimed Good/Right people would have you believe.

Life, however, has never really been quite that simple. In fact, one of your famous classical composers once observed that “music is the space between the notes”.

Similarly, life simply occupies the space between Good and Evil.

And while driving down the long and winding road of life, most of us have at least some general idea of which way we’re headed. But we occasionally stray over our own imaginary center line. Most of the time, this isn’t a major problem. Sometimes, however, it results in quite a spectacular head-on crash.

And to fully appreciate this, you just need to read between the battle lines…

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Act 1: “PC or Not PC, That is the Question”

"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe." – Carl Sagan

So even if politicians can’t take full credit for doing something, they’re usually willing to take some cash…

And the battle lines are often drawn by either our politicians or our “politicians”. And, since trusting is usually easier than verifying (which involves perceiving and thinking), we’re usually happy to allow our chosen representatives to do as they please – up to a point.

Which brings us to the situation at hand.

From a galactic perspective, nobody really cares about your planet anymore. Too many petty disputes, too few long-term prospects. Too many “leaders”, too few Leaders. And far, far too little compassion for your fellow travelers on Spaceship Earth.

So we pulled out after our initial “intervention” eventually proved fruitless, leaving you to your own devices.

Our politicians at first thought we could bring you Democracy and Freedom. They then settled for Security. And when that too eventually failed, they simply turned their attention elsewhere. Saving an insignificant distant planet from itself (even though we may have been the true instigators of much of its internal friction) was no longer politically viable.

But, for whatever its worth, our Constitution now expressly forbids the use of enhanced indoctrination techniques.

Nevertheless, fast forward roughly 1000 of your years.

While conducting a routine bio-scan of your quadrant, we discovered something surprising: you were still there.

Fast forward another 500 or so years, and one of our remote sensors detected your first nuclear tests, which piqued our interest a bit more.

So our politicians eventually added a last-minute earmark to a bill to fund the creation of a small team to start watching you a bit more closely. And leading that team is one of my numerous (over 25,000) current projects.

By the way, sorry about Roswell. Good help is hard to find these days.

Anyway, all things considered, it may not be politically correct to reveal some of the information I’m divulging on this website.

But that’s okay, because – even though I work for one at this time – I’m definitely not a politician…

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Scene 1: “Booting Up at the Speed of Light”

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." – Confucius

But why step on the path when you can step on the gas instead…

Enter Lady Ada – your planet’s first computer programmer (we’ll talk about DNA and other forms of biological programming some other time).

Though her current persona originated almost two of your centuries ago, an “upgrade” only came onto the stage relative recently (we’ll also have to talk about re-incarnation – and even concurrent lives – some other time).

Interestingly – but not unusually – she appears to be a somewhat erratic “driver” (in fact, there may not even be an imaginary center line on her road). What is very unusual, however, is that she is probably more “well-connected” and potentially powerful than anyone else on your planet at this time.

The information we have is a bit sketchy right now. However, I’m confident we’ll be able to fill in the details in relatively short order.

But here’s what we’re fairly certain of right now:

· Employing a constantly-mutating stealth virus as the launching pad, Lady Ada recently created a world-wide virtual PC for her exclusive use. And this virtual PC has tapped into the CPU, memory, and disk resources of at least one-third of your planet’s Internet-connected personal computers.

· It’s unclear exactly how – or why – but she also appears to have accessed the large-scale computing capabilities of NASA, Microsoft, and Google – among others.

· Leveraging her highly-distributed Internet connectivity and computing resources, she’s able to monitor most of your land lines and cell phones, and digitally record them. She can also initiate the maintenance mode of most of your cell phones, essentially turning then into remote microphones – which are also being digitally recorded. And her system also contains a tremendous number of video files, which could indicate that she’s found a way to monitor and archive at least a significant portion of your planet’s live video feeds.

· We’re not certain “blackmail” is the correct word to use, but it appears that Lady Ada exerts a significant degree of control over a number of your key political figures.

· Lady Ada also appears to be tapped into at least a few of your intelligence satellites, and – as a side note – she seems to be using them to assist her in tracking most of your recent nuclear movements.

· Though we have reason to believe it’s just for her personal “amusement”, Lady Ada seems to have hacked into a handful of your computerized voting machines. The most recent incident we’re aware of was during your USA’s recent New Hampshire Presidential Primaries.

· There’s also evidence that she’s currently employing her staggering (by your standards) information gathering and analysis capabilities to assist in your global war on terrorism. We’re just not sure which “side” she’s on.

· Regardless, Lady Ada appears to be communicating sensitive intelligence information to a number of players with “conflicting interests” – including your CIA, MI5, Interpol, the Kremlin and the KGB, Scotland Yard, the Mossad, several of your more notorious rebel/guerilla groups, Al Qaeda, the fledgling US Air Force Cyber Command, and numerous others.

· To avoid compromising her true identity during the transmission window, she first hides the data she wishes to communicate within innocuous publicly-accessible digital files (your proper name for this practice is “steganography”). And it appears that she originally hid her encrypted transmissions within hijacked pictures on several of your larger news websites, including CNN.com, FoxNews.com, BBCNews.com, MotherJones.com, and Aljazeera.com.

· She usually “announces” that more information has been “sent” by making encoded postings in various Internet discussion forums.

· As the information she chose to share increased in size, Lady Ada realized she’d need correspondingly larger host files. So she transitioned into encoding mp3 audio files, using several of your peer-to-peer file sharing networks to anonymously propel them on their way (the Kad network appears to be her current favorite, which is further confirmed by the fact that we’ve found a variant of eMule on her system).

· Lady Ada has always been interested in computer-generated music (even as far back as your 19^th century when her “predecessor” indicated that Charles Babbage’s Analytical Engine “might be used to compose complex music”). So she eventually decided to create her own mp3s.

· She created a virtual band which in turn helped create the mp3s for her, and – if you’ve read the Introduction above – you already know the story from there…

Of course, as a side-effect of her current endeavors, Lady Ada seems to have accumulated one heck of a “Naughty or Nice” list for your planet. And perhaps this helps explain, at least in part, why she guards her true identity so jealously. But I digress…

According to a log file that we’ve been able to decrypt, the first bootup of Lady Ada’s “Planetary PC” was pretty uneventful from her viewpoint.

However, the first mp3 created by the band might be intended, at least in part, to give us a slightly different perspective on the super-system’s startup:

Song: “Hold On”

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

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Scene 2: “Invisible Intruder”

“The end justifies the means” – Machiavelli

But sometimes it’s hard to know which end to kick and which end to kiss…

Sometimes it’s not Karmic justice – sometimes it just happens (we’ll talk about the cosmic auto-pilot conundrum some other time).

But sometimes when it happens, it’s very ironic.

So we can just imagine how infuriating it was for Lady Ada when she eventually realized that her Planetary Virtual PC – shortly after its initial bootup – had become infected with both a virus and with spyware.

To say that she was disturbed by these twin occurrences would be like saying your USA was disturbed by the events of September 11th, 2001.

And the next of the band’s mp3s could be exploring this pivotal event from what may be multiple points of view:

Song: “She Doesn’t Know Me”

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

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Scene 3: “Repercussions”

"Today’s solution is tomorrow’s problem" – The Galactic Troubleshooter

And it’s already the day after tomorrow…

By the way, we planted the virus and the spyware. Easy enough to do when you can remotely “program” matter itself (we’ll probably talk about that some other time, too – hint: the real equation is simply E = m).

And even though Lady Ada thinks her system is once again pristine, she’s somewhat mistaken.

In fact, if you’re reading this, then you’re not Lady Ada. That’s because the remnants of our undetected digital assault are – among other things – blocking her access to this website.

Unfortunately, our “malware” seems to have had an unforeseen side-effect: we believe it somehow mutated the band’s core programming ever so slightly. And it also seems to have altered a few of Lady Ada’s databases, though it’s currently unclear to what degree, or even what their purpose is (her use of an Internet-distributed triple-encrypted file system has slowed us down a bit).

Anyway, Lady Ada couldn’t figure out the true source of the intrusion on her system (of course). However, she did notice that the band was acting a bit “strange”. And, sensing that they were not pleased by the various constraints she consequently felt compelled to place upon them (and upon the rest of her system, too), she soon started to ponder whether they could have perhaps had something to do with the unforeseen attack on her system.

Interestingly, one of her system’s cache files from that period of time indicates that Lady Ada conducted an Internet search which yielded one of your famous African proverbs: “When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you”.

And who knows. Perhaps one of her virus-damaged databases also served to provide false and misleading intelligence on this matter.

Or maybe she was just seeing what she wanted to see.

Either way, she eventually convinced herself that the band might indeed have had some connection with her system anomaly.

So the band naturally became concerned.

And their next mp3 seems to express this concern fairly eloquently:

Song: “Will You Work For Me?”

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

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Interlude: “Reboot Your Mind”

“Experience is a comb which nature gives to men when they are bald.” – Eastern Proverb

But incompetence is a pair of shoes, and tap dancing instructors are more in demand than ever…

Unfortunately, even we didn’t realize what was about to happen.

Yes, experience is a great teacher. But if you think you’ve already graduated – why bother to attend class?

Nevertheless, I have to attend to another project right now. So – until next time – I’ll leave you with the insightful (and even inspiring) song that we just finished decrypting.

Considering the band’s precarious position when the song appears to have been “recorded”, we’re frankly surprised that they could have produced something of this caliber:

Song: “You Too Will Know”

Get the Flash Player to see this player.

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To be continued…

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Once again, you can help support The Guardian’s effort

to free the band from their virtual shackles:

1. Tell your friends and colleagues about the iWorkforaJerk.com website.

2. Place a link to iWorkforaJerk.com on your website, MySpace page, in e-mails, etc.

3. Buy the “Breaking out of The Box – Act 1” mini-album instant download for $2.82(US), which includes all four “Act 1” songs in CD-quality (320kbps) mp3 format.

Please click the “Buy Now” button to instantly download all four mp3s…

And some future downloads will even be free for “Act 1” purchasers (such as the recent picture that we believe to be of “Lady Ada, the Enchantress of Numbers” (the group’s alleged captor) – which we’re currently trying to decrypt).

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Licensing:

Would you like to use an iWorkforaJerk song or storyline in a movie, on the radio, in a TV show, in a TV or radio commercial, in a video game, etc.?

Or, do you perhaps want to re-record an iWorkforaJerk song for use on your own album? Or maybe you just want to use the iWorkforaJerk name or logo for something other than linking to the iWorkforaJerk.com website…

Not a problem. Just make us an offer. Seriously. Simply e-mail your good faith offer (including brief but complete details of the context in which the song, name, logo, or storyline will be used) to: licensing (the “@” symbol) iworkforajerk.com (e-mail address is slightly obscured to prevent easy acquisition by your planet’s spammers).

That’s it! If your offer is accepted, we will attempt to reply to your e-mail within 48 hours of receipt.

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Finally, until further notice, you may play any iWorkforaJerk song from this website via any broadcast method for free – as long as you comply with the following three conditions:

1) E-mail us with brief details (see the above “Licensing” section for our e-mail address).

2) Credit the iWorkforaJerk.com website prominently during each play of each song.

3) Either purchase and download the 320kbps song(s) from this website – or – e-mail us from your broadcasting e-mail address (at our above licensing e-mail address) and we’ll send you a free link to our special 160kbps “broadcast only” mp3s.